Spaghetti

 If you are a woman, you know you're complex.

If you're a man, you're shouting Amen.

Our thoughts swirl around like so much spaghetti noodles piled on a plate. We get into a place in our minds that even we don't know how we got there. Or, like me, we get so balled up and anxious inside over the littlest idea that hatched from egg to hideous monster in a matter of minutes. I've had full-on panic attacks, in front of my kids mind you, over things that, looking back, would've made a saner person just laugh and shrug it off, or at worst, stop and figure out a simple solution, fix it, and be done. I have been my worst enemy many times. I say things to myself that I would never let a friend, or even a stranger, say about themselves.

"I'm the worst mom ever" "I can't do anything right" "Why am I always screwing up?" "What in the world was I thinking?" "I can't believe I did that again"...and so on and so forth. A friend told me she goes to bed at night shaming herself for all the ways she messed up with her kids that day. I hear my friends saying things about themselves that are just ridiculous. But I do the same thing. Really, I'm the worst mom ever? Wow, even worse than that mom who beat her kids and landed on the front page of the newspaper? The mom who drowned her kids by strapping them in their car-seats and letting her car drive into a pond? The mom who was so mentally incapable of handling her 7 kids that the oldest daughter had to step up and fill in....oh wait, that was my mom. I love my mom dearly but she had issues, brought on by years of abuse from her childhood, and really didn't do the mother thing very well. That's what stops me. That and all those other examples should assure I never utter the words, "I'm the worst mom ever". So why would I let my mind go there?

Maybe for you, it's other ways of shaming. Or maybe you've been shamed by friends, your own mom, sister, aunt, or that well-meaning person who just says things they know nothing about and really should keep their opinions to themselves. Either way, we are not victims here. We either do it to ourselves or let the words of others take up space in our minds. Women are really good at parking their butts in the judgement seat.

I have always tried to find a solution to this spaghetti mind of mine. Read another book, talk to another person, make another excuse, or go off on to my husband who gives me a good solution, but I reject it saying "I just got to this bad place in my mind and didn't know how to get out". I have and still do take meds and my happy juice, something called CopaCalm, which really does work to stop the sandstorm of thoughts, and have been guilty of using those as crutches for something I wasn't doing.

Taking responsibility. Being intentional. I actually thought I couldn't do that, like my anxiety was something I could never do anything about. Now, pause, don't get mad. I am NOT saying mental issues, anxiety, depression, panic, etc, etc, are not valid medical issues that need attention. My family is full of mental illnesses, generations back. I myself take a med that has helped me with the anxiety and the post-partum depression that was crippling. Please, whatever you do, take the appropriate steps to be well, functioning, and safe. But here's the thing, even with my regimen of vitamins and meds, I was still spiraling out of control in times of perceived crisis, or just on those overwhelming days when my mind couldn't stop and the yuck just spilled out everywhere.

A really funny thing happened when I decided to start writing. I started editing my thoughts in my mind, thinking of how I would word that in a blog. This made me actually pause and consider what I was thinking! I read some political articles which got me all hot and bothered, and started thinking about how I would blog about all the stupid people in politics and all the unjust things that just seem to keep happening and no one is stopping them. My next thought was, so how would I turn that into a positive post....oh wait, I'm a follower of Jesus and a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven, so maybe I should trust in God because...oh, I don't know...because He said so, and because every time I do, I experience peace? I breathe in His Grace and Love, let all the worldly stuff that I have no control over anyway at His feet, and get on with my day. Taking responsibility to monitor my thoughts. Being intentional about my faith.

Usually when we are thinking badly, we know it. This plate of soggy spaghetti doesn't just walk up and bop us on the heads, rendering us completely incapable of an about-face. I'll speak for myself, I know when the thought-storm is rolling in, if I'm honest.

So I challenge you as I step on my own toes - how can you be responsible and intentional about your thoughts, either toward yourself or others? What have you done that has worked for you? Write it down, post it somewhere, leave a comment. Let's help each other, lift each other up. God knows we need all the help we can get.